Posted in Poems


I want
to deflower
my thirteen year old niece.
She doesn’t have a big place, there isn’t
room for a garden.

She ralphed
on a raccoon; what else is there to say?
I’m trying, but
could be a little more



Posted in Poems

Your Majesty

I just think of myself as royalty.

She chased me and said she wanted to stay with me;
I got really aggro,
just bashing her head in. Over and over.

This is how you use the internet.

Posted in Poems


He’s got the dopamine fix:
with consulting, he’s got connections.

A really reliable dude.

I just need two bags, yea, just two.
He just sticks her in a cab:
fuckin faaaaaaantastic.


Posted in Poems


It’s from a bit by my favourite comedian, you know the one:

there’s a girl and
her name is Joy and she likes bees.

She has like, a hundred boyfriends;
I don’t have time to verify every detail.

Yea so if this is her, I’m angled like this
(I can’t believe he’s fucking her.)

That octopus is a sly guy.


Posted in Poems

Third Wheel

Didn’t we have the germ talk?
What did you learn?
You’re very oblivious to things in really standard ways—
it’s kind of cute.

No one really knows except for me.
Maybe you should just spend time alone, together.

I’m not the one that tried to kiss you.


Posted in Poems

Vancouver Special

I had to get physical with him
because he was so good with his mouth—
like a Vancouver Special.

I felt like I was hallucinating.

It’s the kinda thing my mom would find sexy.